Blood tests suck

So over the past year or so …or possibly longer, I’ve been feeling super tired all the time.  Like more tired than I think normal people feel.  I eat really healthy, exercise on the regular, and have a healthy immune system but I’m just so easily sleepy and lack energy to even have conversations with people.  I thought it was due to alcohol and stuff like that but even now, where I’ve significantly cut down on my drinking, I’m still tired.  I decided to have a blood test and I got the results back two days ago.  It’s funny that you hope to God nothing is wrong but a small part of you is hoping to hear SOMETHING negative so you can finally have some sort of diagnosis. What’s with this fucked up thinking?  Anyway my results came out super clean.  Which should be a great thing.  And it is but I still have no idea why I’m so damn tired.  

Deep down inside I think it’s the electronic cigarette I smoke with.  But a big part of me tries to dismiss this hypothesis because I kinda need it.  Yea yea I know I’m being weak saying that I NEED it because I technically don’t.  I keep saying that I’m going to quit smoking these e-cigs because I know that I’m technically still a smoker – being super addicted to nicotene and all.  I really think that these ecigs aren’t safe.  They are definitely not 100% healthy alternatives to smoking actual cigarettes.  But a part of me hopes that that’s not true. But either way, I do really need to quit them.

And I paid $150 for that damn bloodtest.  At least I know all my results are good..

 

The thing about LOVE

There’s only one other person besides my family that I love in this world.  It’s sad because I wish I loved a lot more people but at this point in my life, there is only one.  And I mean genuine love.  Not the kind of love that Youtubers exclaim to all their viewers.  

Another sad thing is that this love isn’t enough to keep us together.  He was my college sweetheart.  We’ve been basically on and off for the past 3-4 years now and at this point, we’re doing this weird texting each other once in a while flirtation kind of thing that is confusing.  I’m really grateful for him but not for the obvious reasons.  I’m really grateful because he’s shown me that I’m capable of actually loving someone unconditionally.  Someone that isn’t family because I think that just comes with the territory.  It’s such a crazy feeling to be able to love someone like that.

But here comes the downfall.  I don’t think that i’m IN love with him anymore.  It’s annoyingly crazy how many forms of love there are.  And I’m sure that all of us have felt them all – hopefully.  

When we were first dating, I was really crazy in love.  I was in one of those states where you’re walking down the street to a theme song and random strangers start doing synchronized dances with you.  It was awesome.  But my downfall is that I’m super immature.  Naturally with time, the butterflies flew away and my heart rate simmered down.  It’s sad that these physical affects are synonymous to being in love to me.  I know that he is the one for me, mentally.  But I just don’t feel any of that UMPH anymore and I don’t think it’s something that I can will back because if I could, you know I would.

What are you supposed to do in this sort of situation.  Everyone older than me always tells me that you can’t have those butterflies forever.  That’s what marriage is right?  But I don’t want that.  I want it all.  Does it exist?

I feel so terrible because I feel like he’s waiting for me.  I tell him to go do his own thing and he says he is/will but I feel like a part of him is always waiting for me to come back.  Bring things back to the way they were.  But how do you tell someone straight to their face that you’re just not feeling any exhilaration anymore?  

I know.  I’m selfish and immature.  But acknowledging these things doesn’t help the situation.  I try to do the right thing and cut him out of my life completely but what do you do when this person is also your best friend?  I think the best case scenario is if I grew out of this immaturity.  TIme will tell.

 

Happy Labor Day from the laborless

It’s amazing how opposite things are when you’re unemployed.  Holidays are the opposite of holidays because they remind you that you should be working instead of doing whatever you’re doing.  There are no days off because every days a day off.  Labor day is the most ironic for such situations.

Anyway, I just finished watching Pain and Gain.  Pretty funny movie.  

I’ve been really slacking off the last few days.  Mentally and such.  I’ve forgone my meditation practice so I’m planning on starting over tomorrow.  And I’ve been on really bad terms with my mom.  I don’t know why but I seem to get so easily ticked off by everything she does.  I wish I can stop it.  Just everything she does and says seems to rub me the wrong way.  I know that I’m being irrational and immature when I get annoyed but it still wins over.  I really need to harness it better.  I have no control over my control.  

It seems like the whole world is at EDC or some sort of electronic event this weekend. My friends were telling me to come over to a BBQ last night but of course I didn’t go.  Just don’t want to wake up the next day regretting all the empty beer and crap circulating through my veins when the night itself wasn’t even really worth it.  

I feel like having some wine right now but I’ve drank wine two nights in a row so I shouldn’t.  Well it is technically a holiday though…but nope not for me.  Not for the laborless.  

Ah gotta get my shit together.

IIFYM

Today I’m trying out a new diet.  First off I want to talk about the word “diet” which I hate.  The common assumption that we all have is that a ‘diet’ means trying to lose weight and has all these negative connotations.  But in terms of how I”M using the word “diet”, I’m talking about the lifestyle of eating.  Over the past two weeks, I’ve been trying carb cycling because I’m trying to get leaner and I’m not really seeing much results. I realized that over the past year, I’ve destroyed my metabolism by eating way too little.  I thought I was doing my body good by it but now that I’m more educated, I realized that I’ve just been slowing my metabolism down.  I think at this point it’s been shot.  Carb cycling isn’t really working for me I think. Or I’m just doing it wrong.  I kept the amount of calories the same but the carb amount fluctuated from 50 grams on my low days to around 150 on my high days.  But I noticed that I’ve been super physically exhausted lately.  I was looking at Instagram and stuff last night.  I’ve been reading a lot about IIFYM but it’s really confusing.  It seems that it’s customized to each person’s own body and lifestyle, which makes sense.  But makes it difficult to know exactly what your macros should be without having a more knowledgeable person help you.  I emailed “macro fit” and they emailed me back today.  They said that for around $55, they will be able to help me figure out exactly what my macros should be.  I know, it sounds like a scam or something.  Just now, I just emailed this other guy that I’ve been following on Instagram.  He’s an online coach and I’ve seen his work and other clients and I’m pretty impressed.  I don’t think I can afford him right now but I definitely need some help because I’m not seeing much progress on my own and honestly I’m just so sick of trying to figure shit out on my own.  It’s a waste of time, money, and most importantly, my sanity!

I told him that I’m not expecting to get coaching right away but I want his rates and what he thinks about Macro Fit and if I should just start off with getting my macros info with them.  I want to see if they’re reliable.  

Two days ago I wrote about the UPS guy thing.  Interesting turn of events.  Today I was at my mom’s office again and I started hearing a bunch of screaming and it turned out to be that dramatic woman and her boss.  She was yelling like “It’s a big deal to ME!!!” and her boss was like “It’s not a big deal!” and before you know it I hear him kicking her out.  She got fired today.  Talk about Karma…  Of course I’m not happy that she lost her job but I can’t feel sorry for her!  She made such a big deal out of nothing and was relentless to the end. 

I didn’t get to meditate yesterday but I did today.  Not seeing any changes just yet but it’s only been two days.  Hopefully, I’ll get there.

The UPS guy & Meditation

Well the first thing I’m going to mention is this new book that I’ve started.  I was referred to it through reading James Altucher who I’ve mentioned one too many times.  This other guy is like Kamal something…and it’s a book called “Love yourself like your life depends on it” or something like that.  It has really good reviews too so I decided to try it out since I’m on a never ending quest to love myself.  Speaking of quests…I’m eating a strawberry cheesecake quest bar right now.  Ugh I just want to eat 10 bars a day. 

Anyway.  I’ve read a lot of self help books at this point and I’m really skeptical about them because I never really found any change.  This particular book is really short.  I only bought it and I’m already like 40% through it so I’m assuming that it’s definitely less than 100 pages long.  So I’m going to try to take my time reading it and maybe re-read chapters before moving on to the next.  So far, the main thing it talks about is meditating and saying “I love myself” all day long.  Yes it sounds really stupid and it feels really stupid doing it too.  But I’m going to try it.  No, really I’m really going to try to stick to it everyday. It says to meditate like around 7 minutes a day.  Play a nice soothing song, sit against the wall, and imagine light pouring into your head and keep repeating that you love yourself.  I did it today but most of the time, I was worrying that I was blasting my music too loud and that it would be bothering my upstairs neighbor.  And I probably had a million other unrelated thoughts as well.  All in the meanwhile, I tried to keep repeating the mantra in my head.  Then I started to just say it out loud instead, which I think is a better approach.

I’m not going to lie and say that I feel different.  But it’s day one so I’m not going to make any general assumptions just yet.  Like I said, I’m REALLY going to try to do this everyday.  I think you’re supposed to repeat it all throughout the day and think about it all day long too but ok that is the hard part.  How can you be concentrating on “I love myself” all throughout the day?  I tried doing it while I was in the car but then I kept wanting to think about other things like what I’m going to eat tomorrow.  Because that’s always more fun.  

But I’ll keep you posted on that.

Moving onto the UPS guy.  So just before I went to pick my mom up from work and there was this other woman in the car with us, her friend.  My mom [who is not a native American] asks her friend “Do you know what a …tri..Some is?” and her friend is like “What? No, what’s that? Repeat it?”.  And my mom keeps saying “Tri…some..??” and I’m sitting in the back rolling my eyes and half thinking she’s trying to say “threesome” but I think better of it and continue to ignore.  Then my mom turns to me and asks.  So I say, “Do you mean THREESOME??”  and she’s like “Yea!” and immediately I become …freaked out and I say, “Why are you saying that word?? Stop it, it’s creeping me out” and she says ‘It’s a bad word right??”

Ok I’m really bad at typing out dialog. So what happens is that my mom tells us about how some woman who works in the same office as us, came to her today and told her that she went out for lunch with her boss.  They do this often or something.  There is a UPS guy that comes by their office building everyday so he’s a familiar face.  The boss and this woman bump into the UPS guy on their way to lunch and the boss invites him to join.  Which I think is strange but whatever sure.  I don’t know exactly what happened but I guess the UPS guy said something along the lines of “Sure, let’s have a threesome”

And this woman claims that she was so offended by this remark and says she always found the UPS guy to be irksome because he always “looks her up and down” or checks her out.  I know this UPS guy, I’ve seen him too and I know he tries to flirt with me too.  But not in the way that I want to go sue his ass or anything.  Just like..typical UPS guy thing.  I don’t know what it is about UPS delivery guys but they all seem to be super flirty.  But who cares!  Just be flattered unless he is delivering his dick in a box.

My mom continues on and tells me that this woman actually CALLED the UPS office to report a complaint and that’s when I lost it.  What is wrong with this woman???  Listen, she ain’t even all that.  She is just a middle aged ordinary woman and she gets so worked up about this one word and him checking her out.  It’s one thing to dislike it but another to jeopardize his job over something so trivial.  I don’t know.  This just kind of leaks on to one of my pet peeves.  And I have a lot of them but this might be one of the top 5.  I hate when people make a huge deal out of things like this and in the process, indirectly try to look like they are better or more sophisticated people.

Is the word “threesome” even always related to actually having sex with two people at once??  I’m not too familiar with the word but I think you can use it in an unsexual context right?? The way he said it…I’m sure there was a small hint of sexuality but NOT REALLY.

And plus, if this was said on the way to LUNCH, it’s not like he’s technically on the job.  He’s just another guy!  This woman infuriates me!  And I actually met her for the first time today because she came knocking on my mom’s office door and asked if we have candy.  Uh..

So yea, as we continue riding in the car, Justin Timberlake’s song “Take Back the Night” comes on and this reminds me of this radio chit chat I heard a few weeks ago.  Or some blog post or something.  It talked about how the people of the Take Back the night organization for rape complained about his song title or something so he had to apologize saying he wasn’t making a reference to rape or anything like that.  Like really??? I don’t know, it just really bothers me that people make such a fuss out of stupid shit like that.  Obviously if Justin Timberlake was really trying to tell people to go rape through his song, it would be wrong and he shouldn’t be recording anything but CLEARLY he is not doing that at all.  And I’m sure these people in that organization already knew that so why the unnecessary drama?  Yea, that’s it.  That’s what I hate.  UNNECESSARY drama.  I’m not going get on a high horse and be like one of those girls that say “Oh, I hate drama blah blah” because I will admit myself that drama is fun but when it’s UNNECESSARY, no.  Not fun at all.  Just pisses me off.

Eek, am I causing unnecessary drama right now? 🙂 

The easiest thing to do in the whole world.

For someone that talks a lot of crap about how I challenge myself by keeping really fit and eating clean and all that shit…I take the easy way out too often.  I write these things to keep myself in check because I have so many hypocritical habits that I’m not proud of.  For example, here are some super easy things that I do on a daily basis that I need to stop – especially if I want to continue to preach about not making excuses and doing “hard” shit.

For one, it’s super easy to judge other people.  I think it’s the easiest thing that we as humans do on a daily basis.  I judge people ALL the fucking time.  It’s like smoking, really.  You can’t quit unless you make it a constant effort.  I do well for a few hours but fall back into the habit right away and then I give up for a week and then try again.  It’s really poisonous to your own mind because I do truly believe that it stems from a person’s own insecurities.  And hey I’ll be the first to admit it!  Not trying to talk so much shit about myself, but I definitely have a lot of insecurities.  That is why I judge other people.

I judge other people’s bodies on the regular.  Yes, a small part of it is the fact that these people can start leading healthier lifestyles and it bugs me that they don’t but most of the reason I do it is because I have my own body insecurities.  I also judge other people’s careers or lack there of.  And obviously I have a ton of insecurities with that at the moment because I have no idea what I want to do with my life.  Even today, my mom told me about some guy that came over to talk.  His mother was phoning my mom and asking her to speak with him.  My mom was weirded out because it’s not like she’s a therapist or a guidance counselor in any way.  I’m sure she felt weirder because she can’t even seem to really help her own daughter figure out what exactly to do with her life.  [not saying that in a blaming tone at all]

I heard the phone conversation my mom was having with this other guy’s mom and I was assumed that he was my age or younger.  But my mom told me today that he’s 30.  Right away, I judged and kind of mocked him in my head.  Out loud I said “What???” to my mom. But then I guess the good thing was that right after I had these thoughts and made this statement, I felt a rush of guilt and disappointment in myself.  Catching myself judging someone once again for their struggles when I’m not doing any better.  Well, that’s not the point because even if I WAS doing better, I shouldn’t be judging.  After all, my own age continues to shock me on a daily basis.  And it’s not like I’m too far off from being 30 myself and at this point, I wouldn’t be shocked if I’m in the same state as this guy when I hit that age.  [I hope to God not though]

Point is…yea it’s also really easy to say..”i’m going to stop judging people” but that’s sort of bull shit so don’t make promises like that to yourself.  I think that no matter what, there will always be a part of us that judges others in some sort of way but the most practical approach is…to keep yourself in check.  At least be aware of how easy it is to judge and how the HARD thing to do is to empathize.  Because we’ve all been there and I’m sure we wouldn’t like to be judged either.  I hope that one day, I’ll be able to reach the point where my automatic response isn’t judgement but empathy instead.  I think that’s when I’ll know that I’ve really grown and reached a new level of happiness.

So note to self: quit being a little bitch and taking the easy way out!

Broken two days in a row

Obviously this blog isn’t called 200words per every two days…Well, I’m back.  I’ll be a little easy on myself because it was my birthday weekend.  Didn’t do anything too crazy but I definitely “fell off the wagon” this weekend.  So I think I mentioned that I was going out this past Thursday.  It was a pretty good night.  It was nice seeing some of the people and it’s nice to know that my tolerance hasn’t changed much… ahem.  Surprisingly I was able to still stand after having a ton of drinks and I remember most of the night.  Which is REALLY strange for me because I really have the worst amnesia and narcolepsy when induced with alcohol.  But the surprising thing was that I woke up pretty hungover.  It’s weird because back when I drank on the regular, I hardly ever got hangovers.  But now it seems that I wake up feeling it a lot worse.  I’m not sure if it’s because my body is being “shocked” from the alcohol intake.  Actually, I’m kind of glad for this because it helps me not miss drinking.  Yea, I had a good time but I really do feel like crap now when I drink.  Emotionally and physically.  Last night I had a lot to drink too.  I went to my uncles house and he’s in the wine business, which was a huge plus for me before but now it sucks because I feel like I’m always tempted to just go over for some free great quality wine.  I had some really good stuff yesterday though.  I was able to try this wine that has clove accents, which was really interesting and unique.  Needless to say, I woke up feeling really shitty again.  It’s really weird for me…this hangover…very strange sensation..haha

So today I was looking at Instagram a lot and I was looking at this online coach.  I think he is based in California but I’m tempted to try him out.  I really want to sign up for a gym and get a coach.  I’m even contemplating signing up for a figure competition or something.  I feel like I should just do it but right now …I don’t really have the funds to afford a gym, coach, and competition entry.  It’s ironic because if anything, now is the best time for me to do it because I don’t have anything else that is taking up my time.  What should I do?  Should I just go for it?  I’m such a pussy ugh.

Ok this is my goal for the week.  I’m going to really try to study hard for the certification. And I’m going to try to get to the point where I’m ready to sign up for an actual exam date.  This shit can’t go on forever.

 

Birthdayz are the worst dayz

So tomorrow is the big day and it seems that every year, I have this same feeling.  It’s that illogical and childish feeling of loneliness and attention seeking.  I’m not sure if everyone else feels like this too but I do think that most of us do, whether we admit it or not.  And I think it’s fine.  I mean it sucks and it’s sad but it’s definitely understandable.  Consciously, subconsciously and unconsciously, it’s the day we look forward to every year next to Christmas.  It’s OUR day and the day that we illogically feel like the world should revolve around us and why shouldn’t we?  It’s only one day out of 365.  But of course, the reality is that to everyone else, it’s most likely any other day.  And that’s normal too.  It’s not like you spend every other day thinking about how it’s this person or that person’s birthday.  No, it’s just another day to you.  Even though I know all this, those feelings can’t be helped.  I guess it feels a bit magnetized this time because I’m once again in this … situation of where I’ve blocked off almost everyone I know.  

Yes of course I wish that I was having some sort of party or having some sort of event to celebrate but at the same time I can’t deny that there’s no one I really want to spend it with.  So I’m not sure if I should go to that dinner tomorrow for the sake of it being my special day or just stay in and stay on track with eating clean and all that since I don’t really want to see those people anyway.  I am however planning on asking him if he wants to chill on Friday.  But I’m not sure if I want to go out and bar hop or just do something low key not involving alcohol.  

Anyway, it sucks too because I’m forced to stay home tomorrow until 3 pm latest because some guy from Con Edison is supposed to drop by my house.  Not that I had any special plans anyway.  But it just sucks that I don’t have the option to do something if I wanted to between those hours.  

My dad left today and we didn’t even say good bye.  I went out with my mom in the morning to her office and he was still sleeping so that was that.  He phoned the office before his taxi arrived and he said “see you in January” and I was like eh whatever.  Even though there was absolutely no conclusion to our “conversation” yesterday, I think it definitely…did accomplish a few things.  It definitely let each other be heard.  We learned something, minuscule, but something about each others’ side.  Maybe it’s a start.  I think the thing I have to work on the most regarding my relationship with him is …trying to actually WANT to work on relationship.  I feel like I’ve gotten to the point where I’m rejecting any positive dynamic and being nice to him altogether.  It’s hard, you know.  When you’ve spent 10 years of your life being a total bitch to someone and trying to speak nicely to them.  You just get so used to it and doing something that’s the total opposite feels entirely uncomfortable.

But that leads to another big change I need to make.  I need to put the same amount of effort that I put into my physical body, into my mental one.  I need to push myself out of my comfort zone.  MUCH easier said than done.  Maybe everyone should start making new resolutions on their birthdays instead of New Years.  I mean it makes more sense doesn’t it?  It IS technically the ACTUAL start of a new year in your life.  People are strange.

Ok so I’m going to make a list of 10 resolutions for this new year

1) try to WANT to make a positive change in my relationship with my dad

2) try to speak nicer to him seriously and give him a chance

3) stop being afraid of making phone calls

4) try to stop obsessing over the physical and working out.  get to the healthy level

5) stop hating your legs

6) start loving yourself

7) stop judging people

8) stop being a hater

9) be more empathetic

10) stop being trapped in shame.  put yourself out there and stop limiting your own mind from being successful and happy.

Always bittersweet, but always more sweet..

It’s fucked up but my dad is leaving tomorrow and I’m happy.  He visits twice a year and we have a terrible relationship built on a snowball of resentment and misunderstandings.  Long story but today, we had the most honest talk we’ve ever had.  It was more of a screaming match on my end where I just spilled my guts out on why I hate him and why I feel like he never listens to me.  Nothing was really solved in the end but I do have to say that…my eyes were a bit opened.  I learned that he isn’t as clueless as I always assume he is.  My main reason for hating him is that I feel like he only thinks about himself and is incredibly selfish.  It frustrated me a lot during our conversation today because I felt like he would constantly be focusing on the unimportant parts and somehow bringing the conversation back to how HE feels.  I understand that both sides need to be discussed but I was really in no mood to hear about his feelings.  Because that’s the whole point for me. I feel like he only thinks about his feelings and how HE has it so hard and how HE has so much work to do and stress to deal with.  It’s difficult because my outlook on life is that you can do anything you want to do.  Of course, I have a lot to learn from this motto that I try to follow because I am constantly feeling like “I can’t”. This entry won’t make much sense.  I’m actually forcing myself to write right now because I am forcing myself to deal with what happened today.

The reason why I ended up spilling everything to him today was because I don’t want him to get it twisted.  I don’t want him to think that the reason I display so much anger and hatred is because I’m being an immature twit.  That I have actual valid reasons that have been pent up over the past decade.  I told him that I’ve even tried to think of a million ways to just better our relationship and to let go of the anger by searching websites on how to improve but how they don’t help because I genuinely cannot accept him the way he is.  He told me he was happy to hear that I did that.  Part of me got mad that he said that because it felt like..he was being selfish again but I know that the more logical side of me understands that he’s happy to hear it because it means that I do care somewhat.

Once again, don’t expect this entry to make much sense.  My brain is very muddled right now and I took a melatonin like 30 minutes ago. 

How do magazines even stay in business?

I’m not sure what to talk about today but I’ll start off with something I just read in Self magazine that I got in the mail.  I got a free subscription because I signed up for this thing when I bought the soda dream or whatever.  I skimmed through a few pages but I’m not really as interested in magazines at all anymore because they seem to always recycle the same information that isn’t even informative in the first place.  I laughed out loud because there were some “tips”.  It said that when you’re stressed out, instead of binging on a sugary snack, have a drink instead.  I just thought it was really funny.  I mean maybe it wouldn’t have been as funny if they said “have a glass of wine” but no, they said have a drink.  And that could be taken in a million different ways.  For instance, I can take that as a 2 finger glass of scotch and would that really be “better” for me than a macaroon?  I know, I’m just being spiteful but those are the thoughts that popped into my head when I read that line.  Really, who actually BUYS these magazines?  The only times I would understand is if you’re stuck in an airport or if you’re 13 years old because you don’t know any better.   No wonder they stick these subscriptions in as free deals with other purchases.

Anyway, enough about that.  Not really sure what else to talk about today.  Well, I got a text from the ex today.  He invited me to this dinner with some other people this Thursday, which happens to be my birthday.  I had a feeling he would reach out to me.  I told him maybe.  Obviously I do want to see him because he is a very valuable person to me but like I mentioned previously, I don’t know if it’s wise because I don’t want to get sucked back into leaning on him especially when I can’t offer him much back.  And, I don’t really feel like seeing those other people to be honest.  Yes, they were my friends too but I’m not in the mood.. We’ll see what happens…

I just made some protein cheesecake using ricotta cheese instead of cream cheese. Big mistake, I want to just throw it out, it sucks.  

In an effort to change up my routine and finally do something different, I went to the kickboxing place to see if I can schedule a session.  But of course, it was closed.  I’m not sure if they’re closed down or were just closed for the day.  I took a peep inside through the window and everything seemed to be in tact so I have no idea what’s going on.  It sucks because I actually really needed to push myself to drive over there and ended with no results.  I’m leaning towards the fact that they’re closed down because out of the three times I’ve tried calling them, they haven’t picked up.  But why would there still be merchandise and all that in the store?  There wasn’t even any hours of operation on the door or anything.  Maybe I’ll take a peep again tomorrow and if they’re still closed, then I can come to the conclusion that I should look elsewhere or just look for a different activity.  I do want to do hot yoga too but it’s pretty expensive.  It’s like 20 bucks or more a session and for someone whose funds are dwindling…maybe not the best idea.

Eh that’s all for today.  Nothing insightful or interesting is churning out of my brain at the moment.  Night.