A Different Approach on Wealth

Today’s exercise from Mind-Made Prison.

 

General Wealth

List what you consider to be your current/past rules on wealth.  Right or wrong.  Embarrassing or not.  Time to face the music.

What has to be fulfilled before you feel wealthy?

a) being able to buy everything that I want without prolonging the purchase

b) not having to worry about going out or doing anything because of money

c) not having to work a job I hate in order to have a paycheck

d) being able to buy people I love whatever I want

e) buying all the clothes, makeup, protein powders I want

Are your rules in this area of life improving or decreasing the quality of your life?

a) Difficult to answer because I haven’t achieved these “goals” so I don’t know if they would decrease the quality of my life.  Objectively looking at it, it seems that it would improve it.

But mentally, these rules are probably decreasing the quality of my life because they are superficial and creating a road block on me moving forward on my real goals that would help me achieve happiness.

Do you want to keep or change these rules?

a) Honestly I would like to keep them because I would like to be able to afford things that I want and want for others.  I want the flexibility to follow what I really want to do.  The best case scenario would be being able to achieve them whilst doing what I love.

If you want to change them, go ahead and decide your new rules for this area right now.  

A) Like I said, I don’t necessarily want to get rid of these goals but I definitely want to add new ones.  

B) Staying healthy

C) Being fit and being able to compete and be leaner

d) being able to be completely satisfied with my body and being able to balance a social life at the same time

e) finding friends that have the same interests as me and that I can really relate to

f) not worrying about what other people think of me and think they are judging me for not having a ‘prestigious” job

 

Attractiveness

What has to be fulfilled before you feel sexy?

A) Lower body fat

B) leaner thighs

c) six pack

d) being taller but that’s not possible

e) nicer nose

f) nicer calves

Are your rules in this area of life improving or decreasing the quality of your life?

a) decreasing because it makes me have body dysmorphia issues

Do you want to keep or change these rules?

A) I do want to change them but I do have certain goals because I want to be able to complete and be more athletic

If you want to change them, go ahead right now

A) Being healthy

b) Enjoying food I love in moderation

c) being able to go out and enjoy a meal with friends and family without guilt

d) having a balance 

 

Success

What has to be fulfilled before you feel that you are successful in life?

This is pretty redundant with the first section for me….

a) having a prestigious job that makes everyone respect me and think that I am smart

b) making a lot of money

c) making my family proud of me

d) having people listen to me and looking up to me

Are you rules improving or decreasing the quality of your life?

They are decreasing it for sure.  I have a twisted sense that I’m not worthwhile unless I have a really “important” and high paying job.  I want people that don’t even know me to respect me.  I want to seem better than I am.

Do you want to keep or change the rules?

Of course I want to change it.  This is my biggest problem.  I want to get rid of this terrible mind habit I have that this is important and will get people to respect me. 

New rules:

a) Get people’s respect through kindness, laughter, positivity, creativity, passion, and genuine light from within

b) Do what makes you happy.  Don’t put prestige and money first.

c) never work a day in your life.  Don’t have a life where you are looking forward to the weekend and dreading the Monday to come.

d) stop thinking that you can’t.  

e) understand that it’s ok to be afraid but don’t let it trap you 

 

 

Love

What has to be fulfilled before you feel loved?

a) These are the rules that I have that I want to get rid of.  When people call me to hang out.

b) when people ask for my advice

c) when people will do things for me

What has to be fulfilled before you feel you love someone?

a) butterflies

b) not thinking about myself first

c) actually caring about their day

d) actually feeling genuine pain when I have wronged them

e) going out of the way for them

f) wanting to give them presents from the heart such as hand drawn cards

Are your rules in this area improving or decreasing the quality of your life?

– I’d say that the rules I have for BEING loved are decreasing it.  

New Rules

a) When someone smiles at me

b) When someone says something kind

c) when someone gives me honest truth

d) when someone supports me to do what makes me happy.

 

There are more areas to cover but that’s for tomorrow…

Refresh

Damn.  Tonight has been a refresh button.

Spent the night with my mom over wine and told her about my new fitness plans. 

I feel spoiled because she’s so supportive of me.

I feel so lucky and grateful too.

I’m going to focus on the latter.  I need to change my perspective.

I feel a glimpse of happiness. 

I hope it isn’t shortlived.

Gratitude

So I’m reading on about that book I mentioned yesterday, the Mind Made Prison and it told me to do another exercise. FIrst it told me to relive a really angering moment and really feel it.  And then it told me to think of a moment where I felt gratitude and dwell on that.

These types of exercises are always really hard for me for some reason. I can never really think of a good example to think about when they tell me to do it even when it’s something simple like think about a moment you were really happy or really sad.  I mean of course we’ve all had a million experiences that made us feel happy, sad and so forth but sometimes it’s hard to relive the emotion.  

Anyway, for the anger one, I thought back to last month when my dad was here.  God knows that I got pissed off at almost every little thing he was doing so I was trying to relive those annoying pet peeves and habits that made me want to punch the wall.  

For the gratitude exercise, I had a harder time.  Not to sound like a really bad and un humble person, which I can be no doubt…I can’t really recall too many times that I’ve felt gratitude.  And that is really disappointing to me.  It’s not because I have nothing to be grateful for but it’s because I don’t see different scenarios as moments that I should be grateful for.  In other words, I take a lot of shit for granted and it’s a nasty habit of mine.

Then I recalled something that happened today where I actually did feel really grateful.  I emailed one of my inspirations from Instagram.  She is a body builder and I really love seeing all of her posts.  I get inspired by her mostly because she seems to be really happy.  She started her body building career late in life, which gives me hope to pursue it, even though I’m not that old.  And she also has a separate career.  Which I wish I could do..

Anyway I emailed her for some advise for someone who wants to try competing for the first time and I really didn’t expect her to respond. If she did respond, I expected it to be some type of automated response or cookie cuttered one.  But she actually did respond to me and she answered all of my questions.  I felt really grateful for her giving me the time of day.  She even asked me what my IG account name was.  She didn’t start following me or anything but I really was grateful for that, like she actually gave a shit who I was.  So that’s my miracle and grateful moment of the day.

This book really has got me thinking a lot of new things which is rare so I really recommend this book. All the other self help books seemed repetitive to me and seemed to give me info that I felt that I was already aware of but I really feel like there’s a lot I can learn from this one.  I’m going to try to read it slowly and really digest the info.  I want to change my perspective on life and all of it’s angles.

Transformation Exercise – The Mind-Made Prison

I started a new book today and I have to say that I’m really enjoying it.  It’s called the Mind Made Prison by Tabatabai.  I’m not sure if this author is a male or female and what ethnicity this person is but this is a pretty different kind of self-help book.  Well, so far at least, I feel like it gives a lot more new information that I haven’t thought of before which is rare.  

Anyway, I’m going to do an exercise that he/she advised.  The book says to write down all the areas that I’ve wanted/tried to succeed in and where I always seem to come off short.  First of all…honestly I’m not really sure how to go about this at all.  What does that mean?  Areas?  Like what goals I had but failed?  I guess that’s the way I’ll interpret it.

And second, I really don’t feel like doing this honestly but I’m going to force myself.  And just to give a short blurb of what this book is about…what I think it’s about based on reading the first few chapters is that everything that happens to us is not really composed of choices like we think they are.  We always think that we are making choices in everything that we do but everything is actually shaped by our beliefs.  That might sound synonymous to choice but this author’s argument is that our beliefs are …just reinforcements of what we wrongfully argue to be true- thus keeping our minds in prison.  Ok I don’t think that’s the best explanation of the book so I’d suggest just getting it yourself and trying it out.  It’s not expensive either so yea.

So areas that I’ve tried/wanted but failed or come off short.  First, I’d say that’s the exact problem.  I never really even “try” so I never really make it beyond step #1 because I’m afraid to fail.  I realized that I’m a really scared person.  I act tough and have a tough exterior but I’m deathly scared of failing in everything and anything so basically I don’t even try or half-ass it.

This certification thing would be a good start. I thought I would try to pursue this IT field because I thought that I had a vague interest in it and that I should try before crossing it off of my list.  I tried to study for two months but couldn’t retain any of the info so now I’m quitting.  I’m also quitting because I really don’t think that’s what I want to do with my life.  But a big part of my mind is telling itself that I’m a pussy and just making excuses to quit.  I don’t know.

In college, I studied pre-med and thought of going into psychiatry or some doctorate field.  After graduating, I decided that I could never actually make it to med school and thought that I couldn’t see myself treading through endless years of studying subjects I could not understand at all.  I told myself I’m not smart enough for it.  I reinforced the idea by saying that – I don’t think I’m stupid.  I’m smart but not smart enough for that.   And I don’t want to be a doctor enough to go through with it.

I wanted to play tennis but never got around to it.  Same thing with relearning to play the piano.  Same thing with kickboxing – Oh I can always do it later…I don’t feel like it right now..laziness basically.  I think what I can take from this book is that…I keep reinforcing the idea that I’m lazy to myself.  I keep thinking or defining myself as a lazy person thus I become the lazy person I see myself as.

God this list can go on forever.

So I semi decided that I want to compete in fitness.  God I don’t want this to become another one of these stories.  Where do I begin?  I need money to do it.  Fuck.  I have to do it.  I need to break out of this reinforcement.  And this IS something I want to do.  Don’t berate yourself.  But try to…stop reinforcing these “beliefs” of yourself.  Beliefs are just that- beliefs.  Not facts.  They are opinions shaped by perspective.  They’re not REAL.  Don’t be held back by these unreal opinions.  Use facts.  The fact is that you CAN do this physically and mentally.  You are capable.  Look at yourself – you get yourself to work out every single day.  You do it with enjoyment.  You actually like this field.  You’re so afraid of the unknown because you just don’t know where to start.  Please please please…reinforce some more useful beliefs.  Maybe start off with – I’m NOT lazy.  

Change in direction again…please help me god

Been failing miserably at writing in this.  I have insomnia right now so I might as well write.

Today I had another breakdown.  I was trying to study and took a practice test and failed miserably at that.  I have no passion or desire to learn/study for this stuff.  So I made a semi decision today to just stop it.  I’m not going to take the test because I don’t see myself being happy in the field.  I think I should just pursue something in nutrition/fitness/bodybuilding.

I don’t know WHAT it is that I’m going to do exactly.  

I’m considering competing in a show.  I emailed this coach that I’ve been following on Instagram so I want to see his rates and see what he says.  I really don’t know what I’m doing but all I know is that…actually  I don’t know much of anything.  Problem is that competing does take up a lot of funds.  I would have to sign up for an actual gym instead of just using my home work outs and it will take a lot of dedication – that won’t be the problem because I’m already consumed in it.  But in the back of my mind, all I can think about is how I should be going out and getting a “real” job and stop fooling around.  

It’s the major self conscious part of me that feels like I should be following societal norms and what people are “expected” to do.  But I really realized something over the past few months…weeks..days..I really can’t do the whole 9-5 thing.  I really don’t think I would ever be really satisfied or even happy working for someone else and drifting along aimlessly at a job.  Unless the job was something I really enjoyed but at this point, the only thing I really seem to enjoy is fitness/body building.

I know that a lot of people out there enjoy it and all..

It’s funny, today I was doing some google searches.  I was at one of my low points and googled something like “Do what you love” or “What am I supposed to do with my life?”

And I ran into a Forbes article about how “do what you love” is the worst advice and how untrue it is.  It basically said it’s not realistic to think this way and that Job’s once said “love what you do” instead of “do what you love”.  Obviously this let me down a little because I’m obviously a sucker for those rainbow mottos that push me to go for what I really want – for about a nanosecond until I fall back on my ass in reality.

So I don’t know.  Maybe I can be an exception?  Maybe I CAN just do what I love?  The Forbes article was arguing that not everyone can do what they love because not everyone has the talent and the capability – stating that it was the cold hard truth and I get it, and I do agree.  But maybe I can one of the exceptions?  Maybe?  Hopefully?  

I need to be more confident in myself.  I AM an exception.  I am not normal.  I am beyond the average.  I can do it.  Maybe?

Reading too much

I feel like I’m using books as an escape too much these days.  I know it sounds stupid because reading is supposed to be a healthy habit and all.  But in my particular situation where I should be really focusing on what I’m going to do with my life and all that, I feel like I’m reading too much.  Meaning I’m spending too much time reading and making even unhealthily using it as an escape to avoid my real life problems.

So that being said, I started a new book last night.  I finished that book “Night Film”, which I really did enjoy.  I started reading “The Fault In our Stars”, which I’m sure most readers know about because it’s a top seller.  It’s been brought to my attention a lot and I even read the sample a few months ago when it first came out but it didn’t really capture my interest that much so I didn’t purchase it.  But a few months have gone by and I see that it’s really topping the charts so I wanted to give it a try.  Bad thing is that I got kind of primed by one of the reviews I glanced at.  The title said “not believable teenagers” and I’m really not sure if I was primed by it or if I too genuinely think so.  I’m actually almost done with the book…yes in one day….hence reading too much…

I do enjoy it, it’s an easy book to read.  But I kind of agree that real life teenagers don’t really speak this way…they sound way too smart…and it makes me feel kind of dumb reading it because I know that I sure as hell didn’t talk or even think like them when I was 17.  But then again, I don’t consider myself the brightest.

But it’s a pretty good book..I’ll probably have to choose a new one tonight.  I read two samples yesterday as well …but didn’t really get sucked into any of them.   I’m not sure what genre I’m looking for these days.

Ok just to sidetrack on something else…regarding nutrition.  I’m starting to get really frustrated with logging everything I eat when it comes to protein.  Like fish and chicken.  I feel like I can’t find an accurate macro count for these things because there are so many to choose from and they’re not all the same.  Also, I’m not entirely sure if they’re giving me the macros of the protein based on raw or cooked.  I know that some of them indicate which but once again, the macros are all over the damn place and I don’t know which is the most accurate.  This is really not helping with my OCD with nutrition and working out.

On a brighter note..I had a pretty good HIIT session today.  Did a bit of treadmill and did some HIIT workouts that kicked by ass.  I love my new Polar heart rate monitor.  I hope it’s accurate.  

miracles…of the day

a) great workout

b) had a really great lunch…made my own sushi rolls 

c) almost done reading my outline but …doubt I retained much ugh

d) made really yummy pumpkin frozen treats

Sigh, ok back to the outline.

Miracles & Donation

First I’d like to apologize for the lack of creativity in my title today.  Really not feeling any creativity.  Obviously.

Just wanted to chat about two things that I ran across today.  So I’m actually a sponsor for a child through this Christian Foundation thing.  I donate around $30 a month or so.  My mom gave me the idea last year and I said ok. It was when I was working.  I always wanted to participate in something like that but as most things go, it went on the back burner and never got accomplished.  So yea, I’ve been doing that for the past year for this child in Kenya.  The horrible thing is that I’ve never really done anything besides donating the actual cash.  I’ve never really written him anything, never bothered to learn about him or anything that really MATTERS.  I would always be too busy or lazy.  Mostly the latter.  I think I wrote him like one e-card once.  But with the help of his aunt who knows a little English, I received a couple letters from this child.  So today I received another letter from him and I came home early from my mom’s office from having a really shitty day.  And I felt that guilt that I always get for not having reached out myself.  I finished reading it and decided that I was going to write him back this time..and then in my head I said I’d do it later…of course I would think that.  So I immediately reprimanded myself for being lazy once again and ran to my room, grabbed some letter paper, and wrote my first hand written letter.  I will mail it out this week.  Hope I don’t get lazy with that too.

This kind of leads onto another topic that I think about a lot but I don’t really feel like bringing it up too much because I don’t feel like writing for an extended period of time.  But it brings the topic of greed.  I feel like…ok I can’t speak for everybody obviously because I know for a fact that there are plenty of people out there who are genuinely good and better than I, but I feel like a lot of us are mostly motivated my…our own greed, selfishness, and self-consciousness.  Did I feel guilty of not writing back because I’m a good person?  Or is it that guilt that feels so uncomfortable that I need to do it so I feel better about myself?  I hate to admit it but I feel like it’s mostly the latter.  Is that just human nature?  I guess that’s why it must be a daily practice to be more humble…but once again..doesn’t that lead to the same thing?  Why practice being humble?  To feel better about yourself and feel like you’re doing the right thing?  Ok see, I can go on about this forever so on to the next.

Miracles.  So I read James Altucher’s blog post today and he listed miracles that he encountered today. Not Jesus miracles or anything but daily small miracles and I decided to give it a go.  But it’s funny because today.  I had a really shitty day.  Sort of a mental breakdown because I really don’t know what the fuck I’m doing and what path I should be taking.  Anyway…let me rack my brain for some miracles

a) my Polar heart rate monitor came in the mail today and I was able to track my heart rate/ calories burned in my leg day workout for the first time

b) my mom was really compassionate to me today.  I freaked out on her because of my break down and she gave me a hug and told me that I have her and to not stress out so much because things will work out.

c) I got the letter from that child that I spoke of today and I actually wrote back for the first time 

d) my mom and I got a really good parking spot this morning lol

Ok more next time…hopefully I can get past D

Right over her head

Gah I’m sure that we’ve all been in this situation.  When you’re trying to explain something to someone and everything that you’re saying just goes right over their head and you end up going in circles and circles and circles until you just want to rip your head off.

Well, that just happened to me and my mom with our landlord.  Wow, I never realized how fucking CRAZY she is.  I know that it’s easy to hate your landlord and there are millions of stories out there regarding the matter.  This isn’t even a great story so I’m going to keep it short.  Basically our electricity bill has tripled out of nowhere over the past few months.  I know what you’re thinking.  It must be the AC.  But here’s the thing that she can’t get through her thick skull, no matter how many times we explain it.  We haven’t turned the AC on not even ONCE this whole summer.  I know it sounds crazy but it’s true because my house is naturally FREEZING.  There has to be something wrong with the electrical connection in this house.  Anyway, this woman…she just doesn’t listen to us.  She kept saying that we must have used the AC…how electricity builds up from using water, microwaves, laundry machines…lady NO SHIT.  I think we have a good idea of where electricity use generates from.  But what we’re trying to tell you for the billionth time is that we had absolutely 0 change in any of our electricity using habits but the meter is jumping for some unknown reason so please help us uncover the reason! Ah I’m not even going to bother ranting about it anymore.  

I’m excited to get my Polar heart rate monitor tomorrow but I’m really nervous.  I have a feeling that I’m going to end up being really disappointed with how little I’m actually burning compared to how much I’ve been thinking.  I bet it’s not even going to be half.

Another good news, I got my macros sent to me last night.  I ended up sleeping at like 2 am because I was trying to figure out my meal plan for the next day based on my macros because it was sent to me at like midnight.  Gah I’m obsessed.

I was trying to study diligently today for my certification but ended up just getting super frustrated.  I went on the site a few hours ago where you pay for the voucher for the exam and pussied out in just going ahead and purchasing the voucher.  I need to just do it…just do it!!  Yes it’s kind of expensive for something you don’t technically want or need but …you did just spend the last two months “studying” for it so just set a date and go for it.  Ok maybe I’ll buy it tomorrow.  What is wrong with me!

Crucial Week

Ok this week I really need to get my shit together.  I need to start memorizing the certificate stuff.  I finished outlining and “reading” the entire textbook but now I have to really print that info into my mind if I’m serious about taking that exam.

It seems like I’m constantly distracted by food, macros, cooking, working out, and the related.  It’s become obsessive. I really need to pursue a career in it.  At least I’m not obsessed with makeup as much as I used to be.

This week I’m also going to definitely go to that kickboxing place.  Tomorrow I’m going to visit the place and try to set up a schedule.  No more fucking excuses.  I really should have learned to play tennis this summer too.  Gah what am I doing?  I’m so disappointed in myself.  I just let time slip away and don’t go after the things I want for myself.  Where is my drive? 

Why am I so scared of everything? I’m so scared to try.  I’m scared of disappointment and failure.  It’s cliche really because who isn’t?  Everyone is afraid but what sets us apart from one another is how we use this fear to drive us.  And I’m obviously not using it to drive myself in a positive way.  Yes it’s good that I know that I’m really passionate about something.  Thankfully it’s something besides cosmetics.  But I need to channel this obsession in a positive way.  I just fuel it to think about how I’m going to spread apart my macros for the day.  I need to think bigger.  I think on such a small scale it’s ridiculous.

On another note, I’ve been reading a really good book lately.  It’s called Night Film by Marisha Pessl.  It really reminds me of the Girl WIth the Dragon Tattoo but definitely not as good.  Unfortunately I haven’t found a book like it since.  But this is a pretty good one.  It moves a bit slow though, it’s a long book but it’s a great mystery novel that makes you want to keep going. I’m enjoying it.  Speaking of reading, I really don’t like Kindles Recommendations.  It always tries to find like..the same exact book that you’re reading..which is a good thing I guess but at the same time, it’s easy to get trapped in the same genre. I like to read a wide array of novels.  Best thing to do is to go to the New and Noteworthy section.  

But anyways, yes it’s going to be a crucial week.  No more fucking around.  I really wasted the whole week last week.  Didn’t accomplish anything this weekend.  Wake up!!!

What I want to be when I grow up.

Bad news.  I’m technically grown up now and I still have no idea.

Today I finished officially making my “outline” for that IT certification that I’ve been studying for and now I’m supposed to actually put that info into my brain but I had the most ADD that I’ve ever had today.  No I definitely do not want to be studying for this damn certification and it bears no interest to me.  I mean yes I am interested in technology but definitely not as interested in it as much as I am in fitness and nutrition.  But I honestly can’t think of what I can do in that field.  No I don’t really want to be a nutritionist nor do I really think it’s a good idea for me to become a personal trainer.  No I don’t really want to be a cook, baker, cooking book writer….well what I really DO want to do is make some sort of business.  But what kind of business is the obvious question.  My dream would be to be make the next Quest bar.  But I don’t even know how to go about doing that.

My mom goes to these weekly meetings where they discuss health and share food and stuff like that.  Last week, I made the group some of my awesome zucchini bars.  I tried my hand at making some banana walnut bread today and it didn’t come out that great because I was kind of winging it.  But it looks good!

Can someone just tell me what I’m supposed to do!?  I feel like everyone on Instagram is becoming a personal coach and dietician these days.  It’s crazy and I really envy those people with thousands of followers who actually pay them money for their advice and recipes.  I need to think of something else I can do.  All I know is that I’m obsessed with food and working out.  I don’t particularly LIKE cooking all that much – I like eating the food I am make.  So at least I know I don’t want to be a cook.  Nutritionist/Dietician sounds around the range of what I enjoy doing but honestly they don’t really make much money.  If I were to come up with an awesome recipe that is on par with the amazing Quest bar, then how do I go about getting it out there?  Free samples to people?  How about this.  If you comment here and follow my efforts, I will give you free samples to my future product.  HA!